The mother had absolute faith that I could do it. And so did the daughter… and they both wanted the EXACT opposite from me.
The mother wanted me to convince the daughter that she has to stop dating the guy she was dating and the daughter wanted me to get her mother to fully agree and support the marriage to the guy she was dating.
I have had people walk up to me and ask the impossible in the past, including help from recovering from paralysis and unperceivable debt for their given situation. But these two ladies were different. They had a conviction that was stronger than anyone I had met before, and they were ABSOLUTELY sure, I am going to help them. And my heart desired to help them both, but how can you, both - turn on and turn off a fire, increase and decrease the volume of the music, be on land and on sea? The beautiful thing about life is that anything is possible and it is never too late, and this story illustrates that.
While everyone’s love life is their business, here is this girl, asking me to do something for her, to convince her mother about agreeing to the marriage. And in her culture it is a very important thing for her, because in certain cultures, a marriage is a coming together of two families.
Marriage is an important decision, a lot of times, it can make or break several if not ALL aspects of your life. When two people get married and commit to a life with each other, they are agreeing to become each other.
It is not a coincidence, that when you see a couple who have lived with each other for decades, that they look like they are brothers and sisters. And this is not uncommon, infact, often you would even notice sometimes, that even the face of a pet and the owner of a pet start to sync after a while, but how does this happen?
Our incredibly gifted neurology is designed to LIVE in any terrain and any condition. It is so advanced that researchers have found evidence of some people who grew in the jungle, having developed the ability to digest what only wild animals can. We can learn to jump trees like a monkey, scale mountains like a wild horse, or walk on foot, all depending on what is demanded from our body.
Inherently, our body and mind have the capacity to shape into anything we desire. The common myth is that we lose this Genius flexibility once we age. But do we? How do married couples start looking like they are from the same dye?
Our body is a communication marvel. The way we think, our attitude, the store of our positive emotions, all START to communicate through our body. When two people hold the same thought in their mind, they are likely to have a similar physiology. And that is the reason, in classic dances in some parts of the world, you can copy specific postures and evoke a certain trance almost immediately.
The physical appearance of two people becoming similar in their look, is an indication that they HAVE become internally very similar, which is a great thing, if you wanted to be that person. Often, people get into a marriage, thinking they will ‘correct’ the other person, and before they realise, they have become the very person they had wanted to change!
Then comes children, and when two people are not aligned in their value system, beliefs, and view of the world, they make the life of their children a nightmare. Some children escape that harsh reality and turn out to be impact creators in the world, but most are boxed in pain, confusion and worry.
When two people get married, they are making a decision not about the wedding date, but about who they are going to become together, the quality of life of their children and most importantly, to live a fulfilled life in every aspect.
And most of the marriages we had helped heal and some that we helped after their fallout, had to do with the fact, when they were dating, everything seemed perfect and one of the partners always exclaimed how they did not notice the obvious flaws when they were dating.
There is a science behind that pattern as well. And it is called oxytocin, a hormone that is released when you are in LOVE. And it is released in excess the first few months when you are in a loving relationship. But the sensory and intelligence numbing effect of this drug begins to wear out in 2 years.
That is the reason why so many arranged marriages in certain cultures have had a higher chance of success than love marriages. Because the objective judgement within a few seconds, seem to be far superior in several cases than 24 months of judgement when in the influence of the love drug.
Real love is love that sustains and grows even after the biological trick played by cupid.
A lot of couples have complained that their partner is a completely different person before the marriage and then after the marriage. The LOVE drug gets your partner to go miles ahead for you, even if it is not naturally their tendency.
In this scenario, the daughter was not the first person who had come asking about her marriage. Several people have come before, expressing a concern, or to address an unsettling feeling - what we call as a spontaneously occurring signal. And many have even come with a very different ask - “I want to marry this guy, but I want you to help him evolve in these aspects before the marriage”.
But this was the first time, a mother and daughter have come together with a totally different ask and I am in front of them, looking at both of them, having such an important ask, and I have to respond. I have to be careful to not lose the trust of one of them when answering the other. And at the same time, I have to help both of them.
The mother felt because the daughter had lost her father, she was in a phase where she was emotionally vulnerable and made a decision from that space and would regret it later. The daughter felt like he(her partner) was the only person who gave her comfort and brought her out of her deep sadness and that she owes him everything. Right after these opening lines, I exactly knew how I can help them both, and get them to a mutual agreement.
I started with an honest disclaimer. I said, “I cannot help either one convince the other. But this is what I am going to do for you. I am going to help you both develop some superior capabilities.”
I said, “I am going to help you (looking at the mother), develop the choice to not be anxious, to have the resilience to deal with the other family members.” So that instead of the fear that is gripping her, she will be in a high performance state, throughout this phase.
And I looked at the daughter and told her “I am going to help you to feel independent, to not long for your father’s affection and instead feel content about the time you have had him in your life, and more importantly, the ability for you to feel happy by yourself, so that your marriage decision is not based on the need for an emotional crutch”.
The mother and daughter both looked excited. And I said, “once you develop these capabilities, your own decisions may change.” I looked at the mother and said, “you may just feel like you have to speak to the other family members and get your daughter married to this man.” And I looked at the daughter and said, “you may find yourself coming to the conclusion yourself that you were not in love, but just dependent and confusing reciprocity to love.”
They both liked the idea of developing new capabilities that will allow them to look at the situation from a new perspective. And both took on the challenge eagerly.
They were both sure that the other person was going to change.They both believed even after developing the superior capabilities that we had discussed and experiencing an innate transformation, each would still hold on to their views firmly, because they both believed that their conclusions were from the heart and it was well thought out and that it had a strong foundation.
We all have experiences of certain things that felt a certain way, and after a few years, as we grow with time, we look back on those experiences and they feel so different from what they appeared at that moment. That process is called growing. And that is what I love about developing capabilities for people, they get to look at their life, like they would in the future.
Right after I get the agreement of both the ladies, Harini (my business partner) and I spend a few minutes with the daughter and the mother independently, arriving at their personalised list of innate capabilities that will accelerate them towards all their goals in life.
And during the 6-day immersive experience, the mother and the daughter implement the agenda on their list.
About the 5th day, the daughter comes to me and elaborates on how she feels grateful to her partner, but they are both so much different. She admitted that she wasn’t sure if she was in love. She said that when she had nothing to cry about, nothing to call and feel sad about in the night, she has nothing to talk to him, they have no other way of connecting, now that she didn’t need conversations that are counselling or healing in nature.
At this point she was in a Dilemma. She was hoping that things would improve with time. She wanted to make a decision right away. And she was trying to predict what is going to happen in the future. She said maybe with time they could figure out what they really feel for each other.
I asked her, “Is there a reason to decide now? What if you can take your time?” She liked the idea. And she said, “what if, I feel like, it would be betraying him, if I don’t marry him?”
And I said, “the real betrayal is if you marry from obligation and he spends the next 50 years not experiencing true love because you took up that space when you know you couldn’t really fill that space.”
This phenomena of love-like feeling masquerading as love is ‘therapy love’. A person feeling like they are in love with the person they cry to everyday. The danger in that setup is that it deepens the circuit of crying about life everyday. Sometimes, people feel a connection when they are being helped, from their mentor.
A quick way to validate your feelings for the person is - getting past that daily dependance. If it is with a mentor, how do you feel, when the person does not play the role of mentoring you everyday - do you still feel the connection?
Most people can make anything work. So, even a wrong marriage can have a harmonious life. But finding the perfect match, a person who gets layers and deeper dimensions of you, brings the person in you - that can do more, feel more, and live more than you could have by yourself. I have spoken more on this in the episode - Perfect Match.
Fortunately, for her, she recognised it was not too late to change a critical life decision based on obligation. I find this increasingly true also about every area of your life. It is never too late to shift your trajectory. All you need are the right intentions and develop the innate capabilities that gets you to do things differently
